Sorry Lucas Films/ Disney no perjury here. As this is my first post I guess I could explain some things, but I probably won’t. Saving that the force I titled this blog post as has nothing to do with the mythic power of manipulating whatever it is they manipulate to use telekinetics and choke people with in the iconic sci-fi series. The force I speak of is the force of will I am employing to make myself write something. Anything.
The last few years have been epic in so many ways. Good, bad, and everything else. All of it accumulating to one massive existential crisis on my part. It’s not so much the why am I here part… or what is the purpose of life, I know those answers. It’s more about the apparent futility of it all.
You see I am past the age of potential. In what some call the prime of life. However I have difficulty with being grateful for all that I have and a lethargy when it comes to dreams of any sort of future. Disappointment in myself and complete embarrassment seems to be the main source of this deafening cacophony of complaints in my head. Also, I’ve been lead to believe that much of it is just that “all in my head” so I suppose it’s time to do some cleaning. Shovel out the shit that has built up in my personal stall one might say.
I am loathe to leave names here. People will eventually read anything and I am sure this will pop up on someone’s random reading one day. Also I’m just a paranoid person to begin with so the spring cleaning of my psyche is long over do. It gives me little room on where to begin.
So I will start with today and work my way backwards and forwards as my jumbled mind sees fit, as that is the only way I can see to actually move forward and keep the letters flowing from my fingers moving at all. Today is Tuesday. I woke up at a decent hour, compared to some other degenerates. I cared for my pets, and did my chores and checked various networks, for the first time in almost 5 days.
5 days ago I melted, and quite publicly. Bad habits are something of a collection for me, and when triggered with some sort of anger or pain I tend to accomplish many of them at once. The worst of which is alcoholism. While I can boast that I seldom drink, when I do it’s all or nothing. It would take an immense amount of force of will to get me to have just one. This is a problem that I acknowledge as a problem, but have yet to find a solution that doesn’t involve me giving up a useful shell breaking tool.
When you are as walled up a person as I am it takes bit of an extra push to let yourself be known at all. Lifelong friends have complained of this, so I know this one isn’t all in my head. While they all proclaim that I am easier to get along with after a few drinks, it almost always turns dark. Deep seeded depression rears it’s ugly head and what little, if any self-worth I had at the beginning of the night is quickly snatched away with the mention of any slight insecurity that might be hiding behind my temporary joviality. This isn’t an induced depression, it is always there, I just happen to be better at hiding it sober. I truly believe that the world would be better off without me.
Now that is not to say that I am Suicidal, anymore. I promised I would never go down that road again, and while the persons who demanded that promise may no longer care if it is held or not I try my best to keep the ones I make. There is very little that I can take pride in anymore, but that is one thing I will try to keep up. I mean… how hard is it to breathe… right?
Moving on… I emerged from yet another bout of reclusive-ness to find some friends worried. It was sort of a shock to my system, as I have zero reason to worry for myself. Can’t kill myself so… really what is the worst that could happen? My female friend of about a year now has been steadfast in her care and that is somehow still surprising to me. She was happy to distract and we talked of her and her family which always lifts my spirits. She has the best family dynamic I have heard of… like ever. Well minus television I guess. It is good to hear that some Moms and Daughters can get along. That not every child was unwanted.
Another friend who normally wouldn’t show a fleck of concern for someone on fire reached out to me. That floored me. What worth can I possibly have for these wonderful people? Hmm… the thought of asking just makes me want to hide. I have always been bad at accepting compliments. So much so that an uncle of mine trained me for hours on how to say “Thank you, aren’t you nice for saying so.” When I was a child. That worked too, well into adulthood. Thanks Unc. I suppose it’s not the compliments themselves that scare me but the questions that spring to mind when I hear them.
Say someone says “You are a great person, fun to be around.” My immediate thoughts are: You don’t know me, I’m not great at all. In fact I’m pretty awful and here is a laundry list of why! Fun?! How can it possibly be fun to be around someone who is only taking up space, breathing your air and eating food that could feed the next scientist that cures cancer or something?
Now the rational side of my mind is quick to chime in if you don’t like it change it! However, it is exceedingly difficult to change something that has been drilled into your head endlessly, and by your own head. So I come back to the Force. Force myself to change. Force something different to happen. Force a smile. Force self-worth. Force gratitude. Forceful reminders that it could be oh so much worse.
I feel myself slipping. I just want to go hide in a pile of blankets and pillows and warm fuzzy pets and watch something on Netflix that makes me feel like maybe it isn’t so bad to be a waste as long as I’m not hurting anyone. Even then there is always something to make me feel worse. Relating to a character, or wanting for some ideal portrayed, reminders of lost friends and relationships, morals once held in highest importance, broken and abused. Perhaps it is in my genes… Would I do better in a dire situation? My ancestors had their battles and their wars. Their survival spelled out for them, with task that must be accomplished or consequences would ensue. Am I predisposed to boredom, worthlessness, and lethargy because the essentials to life are easily obtained?
I am not entirely sure what I hope to accomplish here. I guess it would be prudent to admit that I do not take any pharmaceuticals for the issues herein. As it feels like I am losing my mind as it is, I really don’t want anything else taking from, or altering what is left if it. So through it I go. It seems pathetic and silly even to myself, so if someone out there is reading this, no need to point that out. At least I can say I wrote something today. Also, this isn’t a blog that really has a purpose. Clearing my head is a daunting and jumbled task, so don’t be surprised to find things completely out of place here. Poetry, or short stories… who knows. I will be happier if I can keep anything up at all.
Thanks for your time, if you did read this. Also Sorry about that! Ha…